I was sitting in bed this morning it was nearly 9am and I am not usually in bed at that time. I was flat, I didn't quite no why. I had read the paper, watched the morning news show, had a cuppa and even eaten my morning weetbix, yep all in bed. I thought about it a little confused as to why suddenly I felt like this. I knew it was our baby grandson's birthday today. Lucas would have been 2 today. I didn't think I would feel like this, I thought I was slowly moving on, you know never forgetting him, never, but just feeling the loss a little less. Maybe I am most days not today though, no today I want to cry, I am crying, silly me. I want to turn back the hands of time and see our baby boy live. I want to see the smile on Alicia's face, like above, when the doctors had not diagnosed Lucas with Neonatal Haemachromatosis yet.
I want to see Paul take his son bike riding, teach him to throw a football, go fishing, dig with a tractor, make a mess in the lounge room,all the things daddy's should get to do with their little boys. But we will never see those things, not with our Lucie any way.
I remember the girls, Ashleigh and Danielle nursing Lucas, on his pillow, his little body was often swollen from the meds, and tender. I remember the nurses laughing when they would take his tiny blue soft hair brush and give him a little punk style mohawk, so cute, so typical of his aunties.
We had many conversations about donating a part of our livers, all of us had our hands raised, we would do it. But it wasn't to be. He fought a brave fight, for 7 weeks he tried to stay with us. He was a little fighter, I know we say that about these little ones who struggle to hang on to live, but he really was. He had the cutest little way of peeping at us with one eye barely open, we smiled then.
I remember our dash from Switzerland and Ashleigh and Danielle's from Italy when we got the phone call that all wasn't well, could we please fly home. No plane was fast enough, no train, or cab, quick enough. Bleary eyed, jet lagged and terrified, we held him for the first time. We were in love immediately we fell for him. Our sweet little boy. I have never seen Adrian so smitten with a baby, maybe even more than our own, maybe. His little man, his namesake, Lucas Adrian. We had 5 of his 7 weeks with him. I would not give up those 5 weeks for anything. Even though the stress of watching our daughter and son in law walk through this was terrible, we wanted to be with them, with Lucas. We wanted to be strong for them, I don't think we were, I think we were weaker than them. Alicia held Lucas while they tested him, gave him needles, took blood and he cried, I ran I hid in the hallways and cried with him. With my own girls I was a rock, I was strong I held their hands and kept them safe, with Lucas I was a wreck. I don't know why. The night he left us, will forever be imprinted on my mind, a memory so shattering I wish I could scrub it away, but then with it would go some of the very few hours we had with him. I have never understood what it is like to lose a child, I thought I could imagine it, until this I had no idea. It is life changing, it shatters and destroys. I lost a part of me when Lucas went to heaven, I will never get that back, but he has changed my life forever. Happy Birthday little Lucas, if only you knew how much we miss you, if only you knew how empty our arms feel sometimes. I wish you could meet your beautiful little sister. I wish we could walk together, talk together, but in my memory you are safe, well and oh so beautiful little man. We love you,