I never would have believed that 2009 would have brought to us what it did. New Years Eve spent in England with our twins. Cold and loving every single minute of it, even the freezing day in Oxford when I was so cold I couldn't feel my nose anymore and I knocked over the sugar bowl in the cafe, embarrassed, yes!!!!! April back to England again, a week exploring and discovering our won secret places. May savouring the length of Europe, from Haarlem in Amsterdaam to Austria, Germany, Venice, Rome, Florence, Cinque Terre, Switzerland. Then the news that changed the rest of the year for all of us. The grief that followed our baby grandsons passing and the changes that wrought upon our lives. The anger, confusion, distress, fear, uselessness, sadness all of these and more. The longing for a babe to hold, to nurse. The need to heal. The changes that came with our twins returning home from their world travels, grown and so independent.
Reflecting on what may have been, but never will be. Accepting this. Loving my daughter and her husband with all that is in me, wanting to help them and not being able to do anything more than stand with them.
Finding this world of people who have held my hand and spoken softly to me encouraging me and helping me through. So grateful for you all. Knowing it is time to move forward, but not sure how. Stepping out and hoping it works somehow. Beginning to discover me. Do I like what I am seeing?
Planning a new trip, France we will discover you yet.
Looking forward now and trying to not look back. Knowing in my heart there is a good year coming, joy filled days. Starting new things, trying to not stand back, to not tell myself I can't, but that I can. Reading discovering enjoying, listening.
Excitement building, anticipation of what will be so soon. Smiling, laughing, longing, sharing.
Baby steps to new things, but steps just the same. Thank you to my friends and to those I am yet to meet. I look forward to 2010. Much love to you all.